Playing With Words

I love my writing class because, afterwards, my mind is always overflowing. On the drive home I always want to do something. Write. Rant. Blog. RP. Just... communicate.

Last night, I found myself doing a list. It was a normal list... the kind where I go over the various stresses and craziness and try to make sense of it. I thought about money, essay ideas, the research paper I'm panicking over, immunizations, classes I need to schedule, who I am, NaNo...And then, right in the middle of it all, was just one thought.

I'm happy.

It was so quick, just a blip before I moved on to the next thought of whether I could really write about voting for my next essay topic... before I realized it had even happened.

It's funny. The rants are still there. The insecurities and the worries and the complaints. They probably always will be. But I find that, recently, I am me again.

I enjoy class (even when I don't)
I can play with the thought of being in a relationship (even if I'm not really looking)
I can write my novel (even when it's silliness and I'm days behind in word count)
I can succeed in school (even when it's all brand new and still kind of scary)
I can make all this work.

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

Right away, when I got home, there was a mess of issues waiting to chase it away. I'm still so furiously angry... the feeling that comes from watching other people hurt your friends and knowing there's nothing you can do about it without just... making it worse.

But, underneath it all, that small seed of a realization is still there. My friends are strong and can look after themselves. My paper will be written. My NaNo will be finished. And I am happy again. Angry and happy and scared and determined all at the same time.

Maybe this is what healing feels like.

It's funny... I actually got back my drive to write in this thing months ago. I'm back to being social. The overwhelming drama of wtfery is becoming much less overwhelming and I've been in a pretty good mood. There's just one problem.

In order to write about life... well... you kind of need to have one.

I've always been that person who did too much. Shan's given me hell about this for longer than I can remember. Hell... my very first character in roleplaying (who was basically me with better hair) had that oh-so-lovely character flaw. I just don't slow down. Ever.

Except, for the past several months, slow is all I've been.

Things are starting to pick up. I started classes last week, beginning the long journey towards getting my masters degree, and I really am excited, especially for the Nonfiction Writing class. I'm thinking Rhetorical Criticism will possibly kill me, but it will be an exciting death, at least. And it's nice to really stretch, mentally. I love teaching. There's no job I'd rather do. But there's a reason that I'm embarrassed to admit I'm an elementary education major in academic circles. Very rarely are we challenged to step up to do real, in depth research and study. It's nice stepping up and proving that, even if this isn't a standard part of my job, I'm capable... and pretty damn good at it. Or, at least, I'm hoping I will be. Otherwise this semester will be rough.

Outside of school, though, there's really not much.

Sure, there's the burning resentment towards my lovely previous district. I'll admit, there are still a few choice gestures that happen when I pass by the school at night, and it will be a long time before I can look back on these past three years in any positive light...but even that's become rather quiet.

I think that will change when I start trying to broaden my network of connections again. Right now I can ignore how much I miss teaching because I have a different focus and nothing is reminding me of what I left behind. Soon, though, I need to step back into the mix. I need to stay involved in the field so I have a chance of being hired next year.

Walking back into a classroom that isn't mine... knowing it'll be at least a year until I have that again?

I'll be honest... I'm scared.

I didn't want to start over. But I guess that's the name of the game. The hand was dealt. Now I've just got to play along as best I can.

It's been awhile since I updated, but now seems like a good time to remedy that fact.

Overall, things have been very good. Friday was my last day of school and, with that realization, it's as if someone threw a switch in my mind from "life sucks" to "everything is grand!" It only got better with the party on Saturday. I've missed people and fun and parties!

In many ways, I'm adjusting to a new "normal," but it's still nice to get away from this new reality... this cancer-centric lifestyle... and just be that person I was before. Or maybe that isn't really right either. I don't know that I can ever be that person again. But at least someone who isn't defined by a disease. Who has more going for them than surviving one of the most hellish "treatments" available.

I sang. I ate. I drank (a liiiiittle too much). I laughed. I spent time with the most amazing people I know. And that makes such a difference.

Monday meant returning to my "new normal." I'm beginning radiation earlier than I expected (next week) and, with this new round of treatments, I'm experiencing a whole new wave of...something? Fear. Frustration. Resignation? I don't want to deal with burns and fatigue and scars and hospitals. I want to move past this. I want to relax. But this is part of the process. This is the step I need to take so that, someday, I can put this behind me.

So I'll try and be thankful for the little things. I'm thankful for the ridiculous fuzz that is my new hair. I'm grateful for returning hormones (even if they make things tricky). I'm grateful for - who'd have guessed it - the cold (I'm stuck with marks on my skin for the next 8 weeks so they can be accurate with the radiation... so I'm glad it's not midriff or bikini weather). I'm grateful for the roommates who make my days so much more bearable. My best friend and her loving family who remind me of how lucky I truly am. My own family for their help and encouragement.

And I'm grateful for the simple blessing of having another day. Another day to get better. Another day to beat this. Because this will end. This too shall pass. And I'll be able to look back and know that nothing is going to get me down. I have too much holding me up.

Aaand... now I'm getting moody and teary again. Silly hormones. They are such a nuisance when they start working again.

It's been awhile since I updated.

Honestly, I've just been too tired. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and three weeks of unbroken work weeks seems just a bit overwhelming right now.

I'm teetering emotionally. One one hand, I'm weighed down by a thousand worries that won't leave me alone. On the other... there are so many blessings around me.

So this will be a two part journal entry... because both deserve notice.

( The Ugly )

( The Bad )

( The Good )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Long post... but necessary.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm not sure where it's going to end, but I'm hoping it slows down soon. I could really go for a nap.

It's November 1st, that wonderful and magical date when thousands upon thousands of individuals worldwide tap into their hidden reserves of creativity, determination and insanity in order to transform themselves into novelists. Yep! It's National Novel Writing Month.

This weekend has been fantastic (and insanely busy). Friday was the NaNo kickoff, which meant fabulous Mexican food with some of the best people in the world. We trapped our inner editors, drew on the tables, and contemplated the dynamics of a love dodecahedron (so much more interesting than a love triangle).

Saturday meant Halloween and one of the best nights I've had in a long while. I decided to enjoy the ease of wigs and go a little crazy with a Ms. America costume. It was terrifying being blonde, but I got to wear a prom dress so it all evened out in the end. I then spent several very fun hours with a zombie connoisseur, a chain smoking truck stop waitress named Pearl, a goth girl, Gilligan, a murderous little girl, a masked libertine and many more (aka, my lovely Wrimos). Then I was promptly stolen from that party by Shan & Steve and company. After that it was joking, dancing (and a little drinking), followed by rockband until a ridiculously late hour. Amazing.

Now, exhausted but happy, I'm wrapping up this weekend with a write-in and over 3000 words in my latest novel attempt. I have a kitty curled up on my feet, my grading is done, and I'm about to have a nice warm dinner before huddling under my covers and enjoying a much deserved sleep.

This is how all weekends should be.

Nerves, nerves, nerves.

I'm really hoping this goes well. I'm scared it won't.

At least I have wonderful company for the trip today. ::is grateful::

I've been trying to be peppy and positive today, but it seems that the best I can manage is bitchy and cynical. If my life was a horror movie this would be great news, as the cheerleaderesque chic always dies a terrible, bloody death... but, really, I was hoping for more of a romantic comedy.

Physical updates are less than happy. I was actually sick. Thankfully, it was/is just a cold and it seems to be clearing up. Of course, it made my day when I walked into the classroom to hear one of my students say "Wow... you look even sicker than last week, Ms. Justice!" Great... Thanks, dear. Just what I wanted to hear. I also seem to have developed mouth sores. Nothing visible, but my tongue feels like I just chewed on a mouthful of razors. Or ate too many kiwis. Same difference. Either way, it's unpleasant and painful and makes eating a chore.

Damned if I'm going to let this ruin my night, though. I just bought some horribly unhealthy fast food (sorry, Dad), and I plan on watching a movie while I rip inappropriate ads out of magazines (for classroom reasons. What were you thinking?). If I feel real crazy, I might even break out the sparkling wine that Corinne bought two days ago.

Each and everyone one of us wear a million faces. Even those of us who strive to be honest and straightforward with the people in our lives... we play a game with masks.

My boss does something to slight me? I play the quietly disgruntled employee. No boat rocking here.

My kids get out of line? I am strict-teacher Jen, with no-nonsense words and an extra phone call to make for the night.

Look in the mirror? I put on my vain face. I pay extra attention to makeup, find cute earings, the most feminine (yet appropriate) clothes, my beautiful, long-haired wig and pretend I like what I see.

Find out I have an infection that will delay chemo? I try to put on my professional face. Ask questions. Change schedules. Come up with last minute sub-plans for Friday.

Have MRSA cut out of me, with only a local anasthetic that just doesn't go quite deep enough... then I'm a crybaby. And I'm ashamed, because it's on my bum, and I'm tired of exposing myself to people.

When I talk to the doctor about how they knew about this infection since August, but they chose not to tell me... Then I'm angry Jen. Angry, in pain Jen. Tell me what you know. I can decided if it's important to me or not. This would have been important.

When I'm home, talking to my roommates, I'm ranty and angry and bitter.. until it all breaks and then I'm sobbing on the floor because, as much as I know I need to be positive Jen...or even angry Jen... I just dissolve and wonder how many more faces are going to be necessary to deal with all this.

My masks are getting tangled up, I'm tired, and the masquerade has lost it's appeal. I just want to be healthy again.

Well, 24 hour theater starts at 9. Wish us luck. We're probably taking out an overnight pass and migrating to Denny's later.

Might be a little angsty tonight. We have to write a drama with two guys and a girl. Should be interesting. Wish us luck :)

Yay! I'm so happy. I sold and shipped my first item through ebay. I'm so proud of myself (mainly because I finally managed to figure out how to do it).

I think today will be a cleaning day. My room, especially, but I think I'll do the dishes too. It would be a nice surprise for mom to come home to, after her first day back at work. Shhhhh.... don't tell. :)