An Emotional Landslide in Physical Terms
Dec. 1st, 2009 07:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyronaeIt's been awhile since I updated.
Honestly, I've just been too tired. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and three weeks of unbroken work weeks seems just a bit overwhelming right now.
I'm teetering emotionally. One one hand, I'm weighed down by a thousand worries that won't leave me alone. On the other... there are so many blessings around me.
So this will be a two part journal entry... because both deserve notice.
The Ugly
The hot flashes have become painfully obnoxious. The cold weather makes it impossible to sleep unless I'm bundled up, but the flashes cause me to desperately search for the coolest area possible. The result is that I can't sleep at night because I'm either overheating and tossing off sweaters and blankets like a possessed tornado... or else I'm freezing, huddling under a mass of layers and nearly smothering my cat as I try to steal his body heat.
I'm frighteningly behind on grading. I haven't touched my gradebook in about 3 weeks. I'm afraid of what I'll see when I finally get myself to sit down and do my job.
Now that I'm not going through the brunt of it, all the worries about the aftermath of chemo are rising to the surface. Will my hair come back the way it should? Will my reproductive system repair itself or stay broken? Will the cancer stay gone? How hard will radiation be, going after school 5 days a week for a month and a half? I'm scared... and without treatments to make my life miserable, that fear is becoming increasingly hard to ignore.
The Bad
I've been eating terribly... both due to lack of appetite and being too exhausted to go grocery shopping. I know I need to do better, but I still end up only eating about 1 1/2 meals a day.
My house is a disaster. For anyone who knows me and my roomies, I'm sure you're going "Yeah... and?" Our house is always a mess. But usually it's a mess because we're just too lazy to clean. When we want to clean, we can do it. The problem is, I really want to clean. The mess is stressing me out and it would be a relief to walk into a tidy room for once. Or even a moderately lived-in room. But I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep within an hour of getting home.. or else just stare at my computer in a blind stupor. I tried cleaning over break, but the most I managed was loading the dishwasher and running two loads of laundry. I didn't even get around to folding the clothes. :(
Family drama. 'Nuff said.
The Good
Despite everything, there are some really fantastic things happening.
1) Chemo is done!
2) Chemo is done! (So good, it deserves to be said twice)
3) NaNo is over and I actually crossed the finish line with 50,000 words
4) My NaNo kids did a fantastic job. 33 wrote all month and 20 of them met their goals!
5) My best friend rocks
6) So does my writing group
7) My coworkers gave me an amazing congratulations goody basket full of chocolate, tea, and more chocolate (they know me well). Which reminds me... I need to find where I put my thank you cards...
8) Christmas break is 2 1/2 weeks away
9) I've got a really good group of kids this rotation
10) I'm having a "We Kicked Cancer's Butt" party later on this month and it is going to be awesome!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long post... but necessary.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm not sure where it's going to end, but I'm hoping it slows down soon. I could really go for a nap.
Honestly, I've just been too tired. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and three weeks of unbroken work weeks seems just a bit overwhelming right now.
I'm teetering emotionally. One one hand, I'm weighed down by a thousand worries that won't leave me alone. On the other... there are so many blessings around me.
So this will be a two part journal entry... because both deserve notice.
The Ugly
The hot flashes have become painfully obnoxious. The cold weather makes it impossible to sleep unless I'm bundled up, but the flashes cause me to desperately search for the coolest area possible. The result is that I can't sleep at night because I'm either overheating and tossing off sweaters and blankets like a possessed tornado... or else I'm freezing, huddling under a mass of layers and nearly smothering my cat as I try to steal his body heat.
I'm frighteningly behind on grading. I haven't touched my gradebook in about 3 weeks. I'm afraid of what I'll see when I finally get myself to sit down and do my job.
Now that I'm not going through the brunt of it, all the worries about the aftermath of chemo are rising to the surface. Will my hair come back the way it should? Will my reproductive system repair itself or stay broken? Will the cancer stay gone? How hard will radiation be, going after school 5 days a week for a month and a half? I'm scared... and without treatments to make my life miserable, that fear is becoming increasingly hard to ignore.
The Bad
I've been eating terribly... both due to lack of appetite and being too exhausted to go grocery shopping. I know I need to do better, but I still end up only eating about 1 1/2 meals a day.
My house is a disaster. For anyone who knows me and my roomies, I'm sure you're going "Yeah... and?" Our house is always a mess. But usually it's a mess because we're just too lazy to clean. When we want to clean, we can do it. The problem is, I really want to clean. The mess is stressing me out and it would be a relief to walk into a tidy room for once. Or even a moderately lived-in room. But I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep within an hour of getting home.. or else just stare at my computer in a blind stupor. I tried cleaning over break, but the most I managed was loading the dishwasher and running two loads of laundry. I didn't even get around to folding the clothes. :(
Family drama. 'Nuff said.
The Good
Despite everything, there are some really fantastic things happening.
1) Chemo is done!
2) Chemo is done! (So good, it deserves to be said twice)
3) NaNo is over and I actually crossed the finish line with 50,000 words
4) My NaNo kids did a fantastic job. 33 wrote all month and 20 of them met their goals!
5) My best friend rocks
6) So does my writing group
7) My coworkers gave me an amazing congratulations goody basket full of chocolate, tea, and more chocolate (they know me well). Which reminds me... I need to find where I put my thank you cards...
8) Christmas break is 2 1/2 weeks away
9) I've got a really good group of kids this rotation
10) I'm having a "We Kicked Cancer's Butt" party later on this month and it is going to be awesome!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long post... but necessary.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm not sure where it's going to end, but I'm hoping it slows down soon. I could really go for a nap.
My hot flash experience
Date: Dec. 2nd, 2009 03:57 am (UTC)Good: Soy milk, asprin (orange!) and lemon in lots of mineral water. Lots of lemon.
Bad: Tylenol and red wine.
If I have the good list items, I sleep better and don't flng the covers across the room and generally snap the heads of random family members. Hydration really does help as well.
Otherwise, I'm hare-trigger with the emotions and tired to boot. Your mileage may vary. *hug*
second on avoiding tylenol
Date: Dec. 2nd, 2009 04:00 pm (UTC)You might consider an electric blanket. Do not have it on all the time but plug it in and use it when you need it and then put it to the side. Use layers and consider sleeping with the sportswear against your skin. It wicks sweat better so you don't start freezing due to sweat evaporation.
Please talk to your oncologist about the radiation. There is a new study just out. As you are so young, all that radiation might not be the best option. (For old farts like me... no problem.) Just ask. I don't want to undermine your treatment. I just want to be sure it is the best treatment given this new data.
Apollo16
Re: second on avoiding tylenol
Date: Dec. 3rd, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)For me... it would mean possibly going through this again when I'm 30 or 40, because of the radiation.
They said it has a higher chance of coming back sooner without it, though. So... yeah... I'm back to the chemo dilemma where I panic over numbers. Only, last time, that panic just meant an extra month of headaches over a treatment that I needed.
The numbers worry me... but they know more than I do about what works. I can ask... but they're probably just going to tell me that I should do it anyway. ::sigh::