Playing With Words

7:40am - kids enter the building
7:50am - class "starts"
8:00am - announcements end and class really begins
8:05am - kicked J. out of my room and issued the first referral of the day.

It was just one of those days.

It probably didn't help matters that I changed lesson plan ideas at the last minute and, while I was trying to get my materials together for first period, my computer decided to freak out and stop working. So I wasn't in the best of moods to begin with, even before the kids showed up.

5 phone calls home, 3 hours spent making new seating charts, 2 books read, 1 burnt dinner later (and a partridge in a pear tree) this day is finally done. It's about time.

On a happy (scary) note... 3 days left until NaNo, there's a bookfair on Thursday, and I think I know what I'm going to be for Halloween. Now I just need a blonde wig, a sash and a cheap tiara. ^.^

Everyone wants so badly to help. To support. The love and friendship has been an incredible boost, especially on those really down days.

But... sometimes... what's done with the best of intentions still really hurts.

I don't know what my principal was thinking. Maybe he was doing it for me and E. (our janitor who is going through the same situation). Maybe he has other friends and family dealing and just wanted to support the cause in general. Maybe he's trying to boost his career. Maybe he just thought it'd be a really nifty idea. But, whatever his reason, my principal decided that our entire staff was going to buy pink Troy shirts with little pink ribbons in the O and wear them, en mass, today to show a united front for breast cancer awareness month.

Don't ask me why this upsets me so much. I'm not really sure. I like the color pink. If I was healthy I would buy and wear a shirt with no hesitation. It was only $6. That's not even a nuisance. It's a great cause to support and, you'd think, I'd be the biggest proponent.

Only, I spend my days now surrounded by cancer. I've got the bald head. The mouth sores (well, not any more, thank God). The fatigue. The muscle pain. I live with it. I don't want to wear it. Even if it's all I think about or talk about, I cherish those moments when I can hide away and just be Jen. Normal, everyday Jen. Roommate Jen. Teacher Jen. Me.

I told him yesterday that I didn't feel comfortable wearing it, and he said that was fine (what else would he say, really?), but I wish to God I'd just bought the damn thing. Or worn another pink shirt. Because I forgot that this was middle school and the students would bring up questions like "How come you aren't wearing a pink shirt for breast-cancer, Ms. Justice?"

Gee... I don't know, kids. Ask me some other time.

The first time a kid asked, I sincerely didn't know what to say. I could have lied. "I forgot it," or even "I don't like the color pink," but it didn't even occur to me. I just stammered... and then tried to avoid the question. The next two times were easier.

Then we had a pep assembly during our last period. The entire gym was filled with pink. Everywhere you looked, pink. I was already feeling spread thin when, at the very end, our principal announced he wanted a nice, pink staff photo after the kids left. It'll be in the yearbook later.

I couldn't take it anymore. I was wearing blue. My wig felt hot and itchy and possibly out of place (probably not, but I'm paranoid about pictures now). I didn't want a picture. I didn't want to be "aware" of breast cancer. I just wanted to get away. So I ran. I booked it back to my room so I could hide before the kids saw that I was crying.

Now I feel like I've made a mess of things. I went back for the stupid photo, but some staff members noticed my nice little break down. Now they feel guilty, which is the LAST thing I wanted to do. Whatever my principal's motivation was, many of these people did this for me. Or for family. Or for E. Their hearts were in the right place. This was an incredibly loving gesture, and I don't want to take away from that as if it wasn't.

I feel selfish and whiny and overemotional. After all, it's just a pink t-shirt.

So why do I still feel like crying, now?

Well, the passive agressive wars have begun. Amazing how upset someone can get if you just don't put in the movie that they wanted to see. I feel more sympathetic for my step-dad than angry at my mom. He didn't want to upset her. He just wanted to watch a different movie than the one that we watch every year. So she sat on the couch and pouted until we changed it, all the time insisting that she was fine. Just watch our movie. It was fine. Fine.

Right...

The nice thing is that I'm not upset. It's not phasing me as much as it usually does. A little of that comes from my friend Keith's good timing. Or boredom. Whichever qualifies. He decided he wanted to do something. We bantered back and forth for an annoying ten minutes or so where neither of us had any opinions. You'd think he'd have some idea if he called. But we decided on bowling. So I'm out the door in a few min to go and kill some pins. :D

Nice thing number 2... I'm out of the house tomorrow, on my way to Indianapolis. So if mom decides to be all negative for awhile, I won't be in the way. If things stay like this (with mom having long periods of good times and me being gone for the icky parts) this could be a very good break. God is good. :D

Just a favor to ask from those reading (though I know many of you are anyway): Please be praying for me and my mom. Especially for my mom. She needs some happiness right now... she deserves it. And I wouldn't mind a little bit of peace ;)

God bless, everyone