kyronae: (Default)
Well...if I had to break in my personal journal, I might as well do it with a bit of writing. Though, I have to say, I wasn't expecting to write this on the first day of my research methods class.

I don't like the last line, but he only gave us 5 minutes to work on it. I might come back to it later.


She stares back at me
High-heeled and pencil thin
With a nervous touch to hair gone tousled from the day.

Mirror image, I grimace and she
Grimaces with me
Wishing for foundation
Unchipped nails

Turn heads. Smile bright. Talk
I leave her and hug you.
Arms tight, seeking strength and pride and

Try not to care
When you turn with a critical eye
To say “No contacts, today?”
kyronae: (What's in a name?)
Instead of doodling when I get bored in class, I write the alphabet. I have notebook pages filled with letters (capital and lowercase) and "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs." Seriously

When I eat little, colored candies (like M&Ms or Skittles) I have to eat them in pairs.

Gum chewing drives me crazy. It's not as bad, now that I'm not teaching middle school, but sometimes I still get the urge to tell grown adults to spit it out.

When I'm sitting at an intersection and I see the opposite light turn red, I count to two and then snap my fingers so it seems like I've made my light change to green.

I want to try out for American Idol someday, even though I know I'll never make it.

I secretly angst over what I would do about school and/or work if I DID make it.

I ship more chars than I usually want to admit.

My dad still reads this blog (at least, I think he does. Hi Dad!), and probably wonders what the hell is wrong with me and why I post at godforsaken hours all the time. :)

I wish I was funnier.

I still have Backstreet Boys and Brittany Spears on my iPod, and I still feel obligated to blast them when they come on.

I kick ass on Rockband. >:3

I probably should go to bed sometime soon.

In fact, I think I will...
kyronae: (Beautiful)
Alright...25 pages later, I'm feeling a little sick of Green Day, but at least that paper's mostly done (shy of a few edits). And thanks to the combined efforts of Shannon, Jory, and Christina I managed to come up with an idea for my Nonfiction Essay. It took me 6 hours, but I've managed to get the rough draft done and, of course, I feel the need to share it with all of you. Aren't you glad?

It could be worse. The Green Day paper is staying far, far away from the public eye.

A Girl's Guide to Dating Nerds )

The conclusion needs work but, all things considered, I don't think this turned out half-bad. Albeit, that could be the lack of sleep talking.

Either way, it'll get cleaned up after class. And, now that it's officially 5am, I'm thinking it's about time I gave bed a shot.

Night, people...
kyronae: (Academic Terms)
I have a 25 page paper due on Monday
I have a non-fic essay due on Monday
I'm at 20k in my NaNo novel (I was supposed to be at 27k today)
...and I've had enough caffeine that I think my bones are rattling.

It's going to be a long night.
kyronae: (Lurking Kitty)
Hey guys... I know we're all broke and the economy sucks, but if you love animals, maybe take a look at this?

My friend's Charli's kitty, Jack, was run over by a car a few days ago. The vet was able to save him and he's going to be alright, but the medical bills kinda...slammed them... and they need to get it taken care of so they can bring him home.

No obligation, but I know they'd be incredibly grateful to have him home, safe and sound.

A clash...

Nov. 11th, 2010 01:45 am
kyronae: (Default)
I love my writing class because, afterwards, my mind is always overflowing. On the drive home I always want to do something. Write. Rant. Blog. RP. Just... communicate.

Last night, I found myself doing a list. It was a normal list... the kind where I go over the various stresses and craziness and try to make sense of it. I thought about money, essay ideas, the research paper I'm panicking over, immunizations, classes I need to schedule, who I am, NaNo...And then, right in the middle of it all, was just one thought.

I'm happy.

It was so quick, just a blip before I moved on to the next thought of whether I could really write about voting for my next essay topic... before I realized it had even happened.

It's funny. The rants are still there. The insecurities and the worries and the complaints. They probably always will be. But I find that, recently, I am me again.

I enjoy class (even when I don't)
I can play with the thought of being in a relationship (even if I'm not really looking)
I can write my novel (even when it's silliness and I'm days behind in word count)
I can succeed in school (even when it's all brand new and still kind of scary)
I can make all this work.

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

Right away, when I got home, there was a mess of issues waiting to chase it away. I'm still so furiously angry... the feeling that comes from watching other people hurt your friends and knowing there's nothing you can do about it without just... making it worse.

But, underneath it all, that small seed of a realization is still there. My friends are strong and can look after themselves. My paper will be written. My NaNo will be finished. And I am happy again. Angry and happy and scared and determined all at the same time.

Maybe this is what healing feels like.
kyronae: (Default)
Stolen from [ profile] todd_fan and [ profile] senri

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up? Bold the ones you’ve read! Italicize the ones you’ve partially read!

The List )

Fully Read - 27
Partially Read - 6

I feel like I have some catching up to do. ;;
kyronae: (Default)
Reason #243 why I love NaNoWriMo:

While talking with Senri about our mutual hatred of research papers, I got the idea to combine NaNo with school.

Now, I can't use write-or-die with a school paper. Not unless I want to fail. But we modified the idea of a word war. Instead of writing for a set amount of time and seeing who could write the most words, we just set a total goal. Whoever writes 2 pages first has to send the other one chocolate, since two pages was enough for her to finish and for me to reach the half-way point.

This plan was derailed by her getting dinner and me running out of research...but that's okay. Tomorrow I go up to NIU to get more books and then, yes then, we'll see who can reach two pages first. :3

So yes. Thank you NaNo for making school work a little less miserable. Research papers still suck...but at least, in the end, there is chocolate.
kyronae: (I Write I Live)
There's something intriguing about offensive language. Maybe it's the giddy thrill that goes with 'forbidden' fruits, like middle-schoolers snickering behind their hands at a "dirty" word. Maybe it's the catharsis of someone saying those words that circle in the back of your head but, for any number of reasons, never escape your lips.

There are songs in my iPod that I like more because of that edge. Radio edit version? No thanks.
There are jokes that are only as funny as they are risque.
There are speakers who are questionable at best and yet, even as I cringe, I admire them all the more.

I understand the power and appeal of the offensive.

What I don't understand is why people don't seem to understand the difference between a well-timed shock and carelessness.

In my writing class today, I found myself speaking up about questionable language that had been used in a couple of the pieces. Both times, I wasn't upset at the words they'd used or the assumptions they'd made. I was worried, though, at how readers would see them. Neither of the authors seemed to be trying to offend and I wanted to offer an alternative view, cautioning them that people with different backgrounds or experiences might read things in a way they weren't expecting.

Both times, I was immediately corrected by classmates who thought I was trying to get the authors to change their pieces. "Don't take that out." "You shouldn't care if people are offended." "It didn't bother me." So quick to jump in, I'm not sure they actually understood that I didn't have a problem with the word choice. I just thought others might.

I get it. I really do. We like offensive language and, honestly?, this world is already way too PC. But I wasn't advocating for Disney. I was asking for some consideration.

Words are such powerful things. You can inspire nations, incite riots, or soothe spirits with little more than well-chosen words. We communicate whole ideologies in songs, essays, blogs, and facebook statuses. We can, in essence, move mountains.

With that realization, it seems like asking for some thought about language isn't out of line. Shocking language comes at a cost. You will offend. And if you have something important to say (or even not so important), driving away half your audience is going to sort of spoil the show.

It's not about political correctness or worrying about offended sensibilities, though personally that's something I can't help but do. Rather, it's about intention. The true thrill of the shocking is that ability to say something powerful and edgy and make it stick. Make it mean something. If someone offends on accident, it's all well and good to blame the one who took it too seriously, but it doesn't change the fact that the message was lost.

I'm not saying I want to see prettified communication.
I'm not a fan of being PC.
What I am saying is, if someone is offended by your writing when you didn't intend for them to be, take it into consideration. Don't just brush it off. Maybe you seriously need to be more thoughtful with your word choice. It's impossible to anticipate all of the ways your words could be taken and you certainly don't need to bend to every wilting flower's whim...but it doesn't hurt to realize they're out there, either, whether that changes what you say or not.

And if you're going to offend, do it on purpose, with a merry "fuck off" to anyone who minds.

Because if you're going to piss someone off, you might as well do it with flair.

Edited for moar irony... this is the point where I wonder how many people I managed to offend. Lol.
kyronae: (Finding the Door)
I just realized that I've had this thing for seven years. Some years I've written in it almost daily. Some, next to never. But I never let it go.

I should be working or cleaning, but mostly I've just been drowning my sorrows in episodes of Angel and playing around on Dear Mun. It's not that anything is particularly wrong... at least, nothing new... but I just haven't found the motivation to get things done. Which could be problematic, considering the paper I'm working on is kind of due tomorrow. As are the readings I haven't done yet. Interesting.

I will get it done, though. I always do. Even though I might be hating myself for putting it off, tomorrow. >.>;;

I'm trying to make a resolution to complain less, but I know myself, especially the moods I've been in lately (and by lately, I mean the last ten months). When I get like this, I have a masterful ability to create complaints, if not from thin air, then with very little provocation. We all need to vent sometimes, but for everyone else's sake I think I need to take a few days off.

Besides... that much negativity? Sometimes I'm afraid of who I'm turning into. And that's reason enough to try and stop.
kyronae: (Default)
It's funny... I actually got back my drive to write in this thing months ago. I'm back to being social. The overwhelming drama of wtfery is becoming much less overwhelming and I've been in a pretty good mood. There's just one problem.

In order to write about life... well... you kind of need to have one.

I've always been that person who did too much. Shan's given me hell about this for longer than I can remember. Hell... my very first character in roleplaying (who was basically me with better hair) had that oh-so-lovely character flaw. I just don't slow down. Ever.

Except, for the past several months, slow is all I've been.

Things are starting to pick up. I started classes last week, beginning the long journey towards getting my masters degree, and I really am excited, especially for the Nonfiction Writing class. I'm thinking Rhetorical Criticism will possibly kill me, but it will be an exciting death, at least. And it's nice to really stretch, mentally. I love teaching. There's no job I'd rather do. But there's a reason that I'm embarrassed to admit I'm an elementary education major in academic circles. Very rarely are we challenged to step up to do real, in depth research and study. It's nice stepping up and proving that, even if this isn't a standard part of my job, I'm capable... and pretty damn good at it. Or, at least, I'm hoping I will be. Otherwise this semester will be rough.

Outside of school, though, there's really not much.

Sure, there's the burning resentment towards my lovely previous district. I'll admit, there are still a few choice gestures that happen when I pass by the school at night, and it will be a long time before I can look back on these past three years in any positive light...but even that's become rather quiet.

I think that will change when I start trying to broaden my network of connections again. Right now I can ignore how much I miss teaching because I have a different focus and nothing is reminding me of what I left behind. Soon, though, I need to step back into the mix. I need to stay involved in the field so I have a chance of being hired next year.

Walking back into a classroom that isn't mine... knowing it'll be at least a year until I have that again?

I'll be honest... I'm scared.

I didn't want to start over. But I guess that's the name of the game. The hand was dealt. Now I've just got to play along as best I can.
kyronae: (Default)
It seems that, sometime between January and now, I took an unexpected vow of silence. I just stopped talking everywhere. It seemed easier, somehow.

I can't say that I'm really back. Not for sure. Maybe I'll decide to sequester myself away again for months at a time. But, for the first time in ages, I felt the need to step out and say something. Nothing terribly important. Just... something.

So, here you are. A few random thoughts on a beautiful, not all that remarkable day:

- It's funny how much changes in a year. This time, one year ago, I didn't even know about the cancer. I hadn't even done the biopsy yet. That's still a week away. I'm not sure what I think about the fact that so much has happened in so little time.

- Sun makes everything better. So does growing things. And chocolate. I'll be happy for the little things in life.

- I'm honestly not sure if it's better to be fired and have to leave immediately... or to find out you're losing your job but still have to work there for months. I've had a pay check and benefits all this time... but 5 months is a long time to make a show of being civil and happy to the people who took your job away. It's been rough.

- Imaginary worlds are just that... imaginary. But sometimes you need them to survive the real one.

- Someone I know was relating people I work with to characters from The Office. This will provide me with hours of amusement, since I now have to go back and watch the show to see for myself.

- I've found that I manage to be both incredibly vain and really derogatory towards myself at the same time. I never knew that was possible.

- Somehow, someway... I never give up. Even when I really don't feel hope... I keep going. I might just be going through motions, but there's a logical part of me that says that, someday, doing these basics will mean I can actually pick up the pieces and be myself again. It's a relief... and I hope that day comes soon.

- I'm still searching for a "new normal." I don't think I've found it yet and I really wonder what kind of person I'll be when I do.
kyronae: (Default)
The New Year is almost upon us, which means it's time for an end of the year meme. :)

Normally I'd take the first line from the first post of each month... but I had pretty much stopped blogging until the diagnosis brought me back to LJ. So, instead, I'm just going to post highlights from either LJ posts or Facebook statuses for each month.

FB - Jennifer vaguely remembers being painfree.
FB - Jennifer thinks things are pretty good right now. ^.^
FB - Jennifer never really liked Valentine's Day anyway.
FB - Jennifer thinks comfort food should be more comforting.
FB - Jennifer thinks chocolate fondue parties are the best!
FB - Jennifer's life has been taken over by High School Musical. God help me!
FB - Jennifer can't quite believe it.
FB - Jennifer owns a soft, fuzzy WMD named Sam.
LJ - Once again I prove that I am incapable of posting in my LJ unless I have bad news. It really is a talent, I think.
FB - Jennifer is wondering how many things have to go wrong with you before you're declared a natural disaster.
LJ - I have a surgery date! I will officially be checking in to the hospital at 7am on June 18th. The end is still a long way off, but the journey's begun.
FB - Jennifer keeps her friends close and her drugs closer (and is home, safe, sound and healthy :D)
LJ - After many weeks of very happy non-issues, I've come up against one hell of conundrum.
FB - Jennifer wishes people would stop making good books into bad movies
LJ - I decided to do it.
FB - Jennifer could give Natalie Portman a run for her money. :P
FB - Jennifer is a leaf on the wind. ^.^
LJ - Each and everyone one of us wear a million faces. Even those of us who strive to be honest and straightforward with the people in our lives... we play a game with masks.
FB - Jennifer is thinking she deserves one hell of a celebration party once this year is over.
LJ - Thursday was a treatment day and, once again, we have complications. Really, is anyone surprised?
FB - Jennifer has a case of the giggles.
LJ - It's November 1st, that wonderful and magical date when thousands upon thousands of individuals worldwide tap into their hidden reserves of creativity, determination and insanity in order to transform themselves into novelists.
FB - Jennifer is exhausted, caffeinated, and satisfied. It was a ridiculous and awesome Halloween. :D
FB - Jennifer feels broken and is wishing there was a manual for putting one's self back together.
LJ - It's been awhile since I updated. Honestly, I've just been too tired. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and three weeks of unbroken work weeks seems just a bit overwhelming right now.
LJ - Friday was my last day of school and, with that realization, it's as if someone threw a switch in my mind from "life sucks" to "everything is grand!"
FB - Jennifer could almost forget the world, curled up with a good book in her lap and a warm kitty at her side.
FB - Jennifer feels like dancing

It's been a roller coaster of a year. I endured two breakups, the loss of an amazing friend (RIP Annika), cancer and chemo. I also went to Ireland, saw fireworks in Washington DC, reunited with friends from Australia, won NaNo, and got to celebrate some wonderful times with friends.

I have been depressed. I have been overjoyed. I've been so self-conscious I've wanted to never see a mirror again in my life... and I've slowly come to terms with the changes in my appearance. I've loved. I've lost. I've lived.

The most amazing thing about this year is that, in the end, it was just another year. It was monumental... and yet it's already over and done. The tradgedies and crises that I've faced have passed. Their echoes will be felt for a long time to come... but I've survived the worst of their impact.

It's time for a new year and a new beginning.

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne. We'll take a cup o' kindness yet for auld lang syne.
kyronae: (Default)
It's been awhile since I updated, but now seems like a good time to remedy that fact.

Overall, things have been very good. Friday was my last day of school and, with that realization, it's as if someone threw a switch in my mind from "life sucks" to "everything is grand!" It only got better with the party on Saturday. I've missed people and fun and parties!

In many ways, I'm adjusting to a new "normal," but it's still nice to get away from this new reality... this cancer-centric lifestyle... and just be that person I was before. Or maybe that isn't really right either. I don't know that I can ever be that person again. But at least someone who isn't defined by a disease. Who has more going for them than surviving one of the most hellish "treatments" available.

I sang. I ate. I drank (a liiiiittle too much). I laughed. I spent time with the most amazing people I know. And that makes such a difference.

Monday meant returning to my "new normal." I'm beginning radiation earlier than I expected (next week) and, with this new round of treatments, I'm experiencing a whole new wave of...something? Fear. Frustration. Resignation? I don't want to deal with burns and fatigue and scars and hospitals. I want to move past this. I want to relax. But this is part of the process. This is the step I need to take so that, someday, I can put this behind me.

So I'll try and be thankful for the little things. I'm thankful for the ridiculous fuzz that is my new hair. I'm grateful for returning hormones (even if they make things tricky). I'm grateful for - who'd have guessed it - the cold (I'm stuck with marks on my skin for the next 8 weeks so they can be accurate with the radiation... so I'm glad it's not midriff or bikini weather). I'm grateful for the roommates who make my days so much more bearable. My best friend and her loving family who remind me of how lucky I truly am. My own family for their help and encouragement.

And I'm grateful for the simple blessing of having another day. Another day to get better. Another day to beat this. Because this will end. This too shall pass. And I'll be able to look back and know that nothing is going to get me down. I have too much holding me up.

Aaand... now I'm getting moody and teary again. Silly hormones. They are such a nuisance when they start working again.
kyronae: (Default)
I'm sick again... a nasty little cold that makes my head cloudy and saps my energy. Oddly enough, I don't mind it so much.

Not that this is fun. I'll be happy when I'm stronger and I can breathe clearly again. But for all that being sick sucks, it's amazing how different this "sick" feels from chemo "sick."

It's nice knowing that, this time, it's no mystery fever. No drug-induced nausea. It's just a cold. Annoying, common place, harmless cold.

I can live with that.
kyronae: (Default)
It's been awhile since I updated.

Honestly, I've just been too tired. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and three weeks of unbroken work weeks seems just a bit overwhelming right now.

I'm teetering emotionally. One one hand, I'm weighed down by a thousand worries that won't leave me alone. On the other... there are so many blessings around me.

So this will be a two part journal entry... because both deserve notice.

The Ugly )

The Bad )

The Good )


Long post... but necessary.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm not sure where it's going to end, but I'm hoping it slows down soon. I could really go for a nap.
kyronae: (Default)
It's funny... this is my last week of chemo. The last treatment I will ever have to go through. But even though Taxol (this last round of drugs) has been so much easier on me than Adriamycin (the first round) ever was, I'm more tired.

Maybe it's because so much is going on this week. We've got curriculum night tomorrow at the Barnes & Noble. I'm hosting a write-in at the same time. It's the last week of this rotation, which means preparing for a new group of kids on Monday. And then I've got 3 doctors' appointments in the next 4 days, which means sub plans need to be made for all the days I have to take off. Add in NaNoWriMo and it's a pretty full docket.

I'm also tired because, up until now, the focus has been on getting through chemo. I figured, if I could just reach the end, that was enough. And it is. Except, now, I get to see how much my body can recover from the process I've just put it through. I've been just surviving. Now I'm hoping I can get back to normal.

Chemo had all these risks... 1% chance of leukemia. 10% (or hopefully less) chance of damaging my reproductive system beyond repair. Chances of heart problems... of nerve damage... of permanent hair loss. They're all small chances, but they're possible. During chemo, there was no point in worrying about them. It was the safest road, it needed to be done, and worrying about it wouldn't affect the outcome one way or the other.

Now it's time to see how it all turns out. It becomes the waiting game. Wait and see if we got it all. Wait and see if there are any long term complications. Just wait and see.

I suppose it's no wonder I'm tired. I can see now why my doctor was surprised that I was going to continue teaching. I'm glad I did... but God... I'm so ready for Christmas Break.

That said... there's still no point in worrying. What will be will be (Que sera, sera, anyone?). And there's one thing I know for sure...

I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
kyronae: (Default)
I just woke up from a nap... feeling much better now.

Once again, I'm a medical mystery. I definitely had a fever bungee jumping inside me, but the doctors have no idea why. My white blood cell count was fine and I have no obvious infections and no other symptoms. Just a massively uncomfortable fever.

I was in the hospital for a few hours, but they finally sent me home. Even without answers, they were more worried about me catching something else there (what with everyone rushing in and out with potential Swine Flu and such), so they sent me home with the direction to keep an eye on my temperature and come back if it spiked too high again. It was still lingering when I passed out for a 3 hour nap.

I feel weak, now, but otherwise okay. I'm still gonna keep an eye on everything, but I'm starting to feel normal.

Really? This was not the way I wanted to start my weekend.


kyronae: (Default)

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