A clash...

[kyronae]

I love my writing class because, afterwards, my mind is always overflowing. On the drive home I always want to do something. Write. Rant. Blog. RP. Just... communicate.

Last night, I found myself doing a list. It was a normal list... the kind where I go over the various stresses and craziness and try to make sense of it. I thought about money, essay ideas, the research paper I'm panicking over, immunizations, classes I need to schedule, who I am, NaNo...And then, right in the middle of it all, was just one thought.

I'm happy.

It was so quick, just a blip before I moved on to the next thought of whether I could really write about voting for my next essay topic... before I realized it had even happened.

It's funny. The rants are still there. The insecurities and the worries and the complaints. They probably always will be. But I find that, recently, I am me again.

I enjoy class (even when I don't)
I can play with the thought of being in a relationship (even if I'm not really looking)
I can write my novel (even when it's silliness and I'm days behind in word count)
I can succeed in school (even when it's all brand new and still kind of scary)
I can make all this work.

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

Right away, when I got home, there was a mess of issues waiting to chase it away. I'm still so furiously angry... the feeling that comes from watching other people hurt your friends and knowing there's nothing you can do about it without just... making it worse.

But, underneath it all, that small seed of a realization is still there. My friends are strong and can look after themselves. My paper will be written. My NaNo will be finished. And I am happy again. Angry and happy and scared and determined all at the same time.

Maybe this is what healing feels like.

Comments

[ithinkadrianne.livejournal.com]

I think getting back into a routine definitely helps at times, even when you're angry. Either way, I'm glad you're doing better. I've worried about you from a distance, because when I first met you all I could think about was what an amazing person you are! Keep it up honey. Someday, we'll all get through the shit. :)

[kyronae.livejournal.com]

<3

You are a lovely person. You've had your fair share of rough times to get through, too, and you've done it with grace.

Distance is a pain, but know that you're definitely still a member of the DeKalb Wrimos. Always and forever. ;)

[stick.livejournal.com]

Isn't that the most wonderful feeling? :3 Even if things take a turn for the messy, it's good to know that underneath it all, it'll be all right. That's how I felt when I finally got into college again after a year of bumming around. Shit's complicated, but at least I'm really happy with myself and what I'm doing.

[kyronae.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much exactly it. There's a reason I play Puddleglum. lol. I'm that person who always seems to find a complaint somewhere (at least that's what it feels like, sometimes). But there's always that knowledge that someway, somehow, things will work out.

I lost that for awhile, but it's back... and I couldn't be happier. :)