Playing With Words

Well, the passive agressive wars have begun. Amazing how upset someone can get if you just don't put in the movie that they wanted to see. I feel more sympathetic for my step-dad than angry at my mom. He didn't want to upset her. He just wanted to watch a different movie than the one that we watch every year. So she sat on the couch and pouted until we changed it, all the time insisting that she was fine. Just watch our movie. It was fine. Fine.

Right...

The nice thing is that I'm not upset. It's not phasing me as much as it usually does. A little of that comes from my friend Keith's good timing. Or boredom. Whichever qualifies. He decided he wanted to do something. We bantered back and forth for an annoying ten minutes or so where neither of us had any opinions. You'd think he'd have some idea if he called. But we decided on bowling. So I'm out the door in a few min to go and kill some pins. :D

Nice thing number 2... I'm out of the house tomorrow, on my way to Indianapolis. So if mom decides to be all negative for awhile, I won't be in the way. If things stay like this (with mom having long periods of good times and me being gone for the icky parts) this could be a very good break. God is good. :D

Just a favor to ask from those reading (though I know many of you are anyway): Please be praying for me and my mom. Especially for my mom. She needs some happiness right now... she deserves it. And I wouldn't mind a little bit of peace ;)

God bless, everyone

Hmm... I'm not sure what to call my mood tonight...

First, the joy. I can't even begin to describe it. Peforming in the Messiah... I love it so much. I shouldn't call it a performance. Certainly, the choirs are on stage...we're presenting... but I think I know why I love it so much. Yes, the music is beautiful, but it's the sheer size of it. The beautiful music, the words, and the fact that, when we sing, I can get lost in the music. I'm not peforming. That would require me being conscious of the fact that I'm on a stage. But I can't even really hear myself, with the orchestra right in front of me, and the whole, tremendous choir behind me. I'm just one voice in many. And the many voices become one... and they are all praising God. The only time I feel more... alive... is when I'm with kids or that moment in a congregation, when the band stops playing music and only the audience sings. Kinda the same feeling... one voice joining with many to praise God. Except, then there's no live orchestra accompanying you. lol.

Then... the rest...
Not a bad feeling. Just quiet. Worry, maybe. What do you do when the ones closest to you are hurting? I wish I knew. I want to just reach out and... I dunno. Fix it... or just help them get their minds off of the problem.

Also, lately I've really been relating to Romans 7:15-16. Especially where it says "I do not understand what I do."

And there were some bad reviews of the Messiah from listeners tonight, I guess. It doesn't upset me, really. More like makes me sad. I wish I could share the feeling I have with the whole audience... up there, it doesn't really matter if it ends up sounding horrible. The time to praise is more than enough. And Kari and the Mommy were there, and they loved it. So mixed feelings there. God wins, though. ;)

Mary gave me sugar cookies, tonight. They're wonderful.

It's 1am, now... so I'll stop rambling and head to bed. See... here I go...

I'm not sure what to make of today... tonight...

I'm so confused. I feel so guilty, like I've done something horribly wrong. Like I've been a terrible friend. And then I feel angry and sad and...helpless. Because I'm so tired. I've been trying. Or, at least... I thought I was. I thought I was doing everything I could to help. So why are things still a mess? Why am I still hurting the people I love? Why is it that all I can do is stand there in silence as they shout their accusations at me, unable to tell them anything more than "I'm sorry it came to this."?

I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry you hurt me. I'm sorry that I have nothing more to give. I'm sorry that I can't heal you. I'm sorry that I'm confused and unsure. I'm sorry that you feel you have lost a close friend. I'm sorry I can do nothing to change that. I'm so sorry...

And then there are the blessings. Beautiful Charli. I love you, so much. My angel, come to keep me company when everything else is so alone. James... your kindness has been a light. Shan, my precious sister... it makes me joyful just to sit and talk with you. SD, I can't even begin to express how much you make me smile. I've missed that so much. Church service was amazing this morning. So was homegroups this afternoon. And Chinese food rocks.

I look at these and I'm happy. I look at the angry IMs waiting, and I'm sad. I don't know what to think right now. Perhaps, in the morning, it will be clearer again.

God bless, my friends. I love you all.

Thank goodness it's Saturday... and here comes choir tour! :)

I'm really glad for the break. I needed some complete worship time. I love tours.

And, who knows, I might even get some writing done this weekend... wouldn't that be a miracle? :D

Have a great weekend, everyone. My prayers are with you.

Well, I've once again failed to do any writing for NaNoWriMo, but I did manage to edit one short story, write one persuasive argument, two process journals, one reflective paper, and I'm currently attempting to tackle a freewrite on my writer's portrait about Madeline L'Engle.

Some things I learned today:

Lesson #1: Don't let Jen roam freely in a library

Lesson #2: If Jen somehow manages to get free in a library, remind her that she has a ton of work to do and that, no matter how much she likes Madeline L'Engle and even if she has to read her nonfiction for the paper, it is not humanly possible to read 5 200 page books in one night.

Lesson #3: When Jen's on codine, she starts writing about herself in the third person.

Homework Attack! Goodness... why is it that everything has to always fall at once. Say hello lab presentation, group projects for Children's Lit and Language Arts/Social Studies methods. Say hello argumentitive piece and writer's research project for Advanced writing. Say goodbye life.

Oh yeah... Halloween... and I think one of my friends is attempting to set me up with someone... not a very welcome thought right now. Or, if he isn't trying, he's at least managed to get some random one of his friends who I don't know to email me telling me how glad he is that he's going to meet me. Still not very welcome. Well... hopefully it'll just be me overreacting. I hate doing that, but at least that means there isn't really a problem.

Though, on the up side, my sister might be coming down on Saturday. She said she couldn't miss hanging out with everyone at the costume party. Needless to say (but I'll say anyway) I'm excited. I just hope it works out. It'd be easier if she had a car. lol.

The pain from the root canal went away, and my grades are looking better. Hmm.. praises. These should be first, not last on my list. There are a lot of really wonderful things going on (I almost said stuff... but that wouldn't be right, would it?) and I need to focus on them more. So, yay for medication!

Though I still say I should have taken the Vicaden... stupid classes...