What I'm learning...

[kyronae]

I'm cold... mostly outside, but I think some of the numbness has crept beneath the skin. I know I'm really okay. God has me... he won't let me fall... but right now I feel like I'm crumbling inside. All I want... all I really want, is to be able to feel. To wish and dream. To be myself and, in doing so, not worry about the consequences. But I can't. The things I wish to do... the things I feel... they have consequences. So I have to build my walls and my barriers. I have to hide the person that I am and make the mature decision. The responsible decision. And I'll do it. Because I have no choice. But there is a part of me that's crying, because all it wants to do is be a child. I suppose I should know better... if I haven't had time to be a child before I won't have it now. But I wish I did... I wish it was safe to feel. I'm sick of imitation fountains. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of the cold and the darkness. I want the light back. Will someone tell me when I can be warm again?

This isn't official... I suppose I will still try... but the NaNo is stopping. If it was only school work in the way... well, that would be another story. But I don't even have time to face the problems. I have nothing available to give to writing. Stress reliever or not, I'll have to wait for the ability to relax until things calm down a bit. I'll still post when I do write. I just don't know how often that will be.

Comments

[20thavej-man.livejournal.com]

my prayers go up for you. you know this. I suppose all I have left is prayer for myself, and prayer for others, but Indeed God is powerful in that. His strength is there in my weakness. and in yours. God bless my friend, God bless...
J