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Out of the Silence
May. 4th, 2010 03:01 pmIt seems that, sometime between January and now, I took an unexpected vow of silence. I just stopped talking everywhere. It seemed easier, somehow.
I can't say that I'm really back. Not for sure. Maybe I'll decide to sequester myself away again for months at a time. But, for the first time in ages, I felt the need to step out and say something. Nothing terribly important. Just... something.
So, here you are. A few random thoughts on a beautiful, not all that remarkable day:
- It's funny how much changes in a year. This time, one year ago, I didn't even know about the cancer. I hadn't even done the biopsy yet. That's still a week away. I'm not sure what I think about the fact that so much has happened in so little time.
- Sun makes everything better. So does growing things. And chocolate. I'll be happy for the little things in life.
- I'm honestly not sure if it's better to be fired and have to leave immediately... or to find out you're losing your job but still have to work there for months. I've had a pay check and benefits all this time... but 5 months is a long time to make a show of being civil and happy to the people who took your job away. It's been rough.
- Imaginary worlds are just that... imaginary. But sometimes you need them to survive the real one.
- Someone I know was relating people I work with to characters from The Office. This will provide me with hours of amusement, since I now have to go back and watch the show to see for myself.
- I've found that I manage to be both incredibly vain and really derogatory towards myself at the same time. I never knew that was possible.
- Somehow, someway... I never give up. Even when I really don't feel hope... I keep going. I might just be going through motions, but there's a logical part of me that says that, someday, doing these basics will mean I can actually pick up the pieces and be myself again. It's a relief... and I hope that day comes soon.
- I'm still searching for a "new normal." I don't think I've found it yet and I really wonder what kind of person I'll be when I do.
I can't say that I'm really back. Not for sure. Maybe I'll decide to sequester myself away again for months at a time. But, for the first time in ages, I felt the need to step out and say something. Nothing terribly important. Just... something.
So, here you are. A few random thoughts on a beautiful, not all that remarkable day:
- It's funny how much changes in a year. This time, one year ago, I didn't even know about the cancer. I hadn't even done the biopsy yet. That's still a week away. I'm not sure what I think about the fact that so much has happened in so little time.
- Sun makes everything better. So does growing things. And chocolate. I'll be happy for the little things in life.
- I'm honestly not sure if it's better to be fired and have to leave immediately... or to find out you're losing your job but still have to work there for months. I've had a pay check and benefits all this time... but 5 months is a long time to make a show of being civil and happy to the people who took your job away. It's been rough.
- Imaginary worlds are just that... imaginary. But sometimes you need them to survive the real one.
- Someone I know was relating people I work with to characters from The Office. This will provide me with hours of amusement, since I now have to go back and watch the show to see for myself.
- I've found that I manage to be both incredibly vain and really derogatory towards myself at the same time. I never knew that was possible.
- Somehow, someway... I never give up. Even when I really don't feel hope... I keep going. I might just be going through motions, but there's a logical part of me that says that, someday, doing these basics will mean I can actually pick up the pieces and be myself again. It's a relief... and I hope that day comes soon.
- I'm still searching for a "new normal." I don't think I've found it yet and I really wonder what kind of person I'll be when I do.
