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Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep
Apr. 7th, 2005 12:33 pmIt's been awhile since I posted anything of substance. I guess I just haven't felt like bearing my soul for all to see, since I really wasn't sure what I'd be exposing. That, and nothing has stayed solid long enough for me to put it down into words. It feels like everything is shifting around me and there's no stable place to stand.
It hasn't been a bad set of days. Just... confusing. I find myself either with extreme highs (yay Vicodin) or mild lows. Thankfully they've only been mild. But none of it seems very real. I know I have a ton of work to do, but I can't seem to focus. It doesn't seem to matter any more than a dream would.
It saddened me, yesterday, to hear from an old aquaintance. Normally I'd have been ecstatic to hear the news she brought... but she brought it to make me feel guilty. It worked. She wanted me to realize that I'd abandoned her... I had told her I would stay there for her and that she wasn't alone, and then I left. I didn't even just walked away. I blocked all contact with her.
Part of me wants to say it needed to happen. I couldn't keep carrying her burdens, and she expected me to. It wasn't helping her and it was tearing me to pieces. When she IMed me I tried to explain, as gently as possible in non-verbal communication, why I'd had to go... and she told me she was better. That she had been for a long time. That I would have known that if I hadn't walked away.
Ouch.
At least she's better. She doesn't have to believe me when I say I'm glad for that, but I am.
And this morning has left me melancholy. I didn't know Heather, but it's always difficult to learn someone your age has died. It seems so...unexpected. Who plans for these kinds of things when they're 20-something? There's a pall that seems to be hanging over campus that just seeps into my skin with the cold air. It's a morning to grieve.
There will be good today. I'm sure of it. But for now, a moment of silence and sadness. There have been losses. They deserve to be remembered. We will return to the joys soon enough.
It hasn't been a bad set of days. Just... confusing. I find myself either with extreme highs (yay Vicodin) or mild lows. Thankfully they've only been mild. But none of it seems very real. I know I have a ton of work to do, but I can't seem to focus. It doesn't seem to matter any more than a dream would.
It saddened me, yesterday, to hear from an old aquaintance. Normally I'd have been ecstatic to hear the news she brought... but she brought it to make me feel guilty. It worked. She wanted me to realize that I'd abandoned her... I had told her I would stay there for her and that she wasn't alone, and then I left. I didn't even just walked away. I blocked all contact with her.
Part of me wants to say it needed to happen. I couldn't keep carrying her burdens, and she expected me to. It wasn't helping her and it was tearing me to pieces. When she IMed me I tried to explain, as gently as possible in non-verbal communication, why I'd had to go... and she told me she was better. That she had been for a long time. That I would have known that if I hadn't walked away.
Ouch.
At least she's better. She doesn't have to believe me when I say I'm glad for that, but I am.
And this morning has left me melancholy. I didn't know Heather, but it's always difficult to learn someone your age has died. It seems so...unexpected. Who plans for these kinds of things when they're 20-something? There's a pall that seems to be hanging over campus that just seeps into my skin with the cold air. It's a morning to grieve.
There will be good today. I'm sure of it. But for now, a moment of silence and sadness. There have been losses. They deserve to be remembered. We will return to the joys soon enough.
