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Dream or Nightmare?
Dec. 22nd, 2004 12:28 pmWell, I'm home. The one thing I can say about last night was that it was interesting. -.-
Aaron and Niki's was great. Incredibly relaxing, and warm. Lol. So much better than my cold house.
But I had to come back. I wasn't even upset about leaving. I was content to go home. But Mom was upset again. This time it was because she always has to cook the meal, set the table, and get everyone's drinks. Then, when the meal is done, she cleans up while everybody runs off to do their individual things, leaving her alone.
She has every right to be upset. We shouldn't have made her do all that on her own. But there are so many times the problem couldn't be solved if she wouldn't wait until she was furious and depressed before she actually spoke up. It's not that she can't speak up. Ed and I would both listen. I'd be glad for a way to avoid the constant fighting. But it's the whole passive agressive approach, and she's very good at it. Wait until the problem is constant, eating away at you, and then bring it up as a guilt trip, with you playing the victim. Make everyone apologize and say how horrible they are. Well, this time I wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to be down. I didn't want to think of myself as a horrible person. So I apologized for not helping, I cleaned up, and then when there was nothing else for me to do, I went back to making Christmas presents. My mother's mood swings or not, I have two days to finish them. She can deal. But I was smiling the whole time... and I was actually happy. Not just pretending. It was such a relief. I didn't even want to vent here, because it was actually okay. Right.
She ended up coming upstairs, red-eyed from crying, to tell me she was sorry I hated being home so much. How she knew she made me miserable. She said she was surprised I came back from Aaron and Niki's. Like I was going to skip Christmas at home. I tried to stay positive, and it only seemed to upset her more. She left. When she came back later she seemed fine.
Aaron told me that, if he had to make me a 2 dimensional character, my problem is that I need to stop caring what other people think. He's right. I care what my mom thinks. And what Ed thinks. I know he sides with mom. To him I'm just a spoiled child who is insensitive and rude to my mother. Some of that's true. I'm a child... of course I can't fully appreciate her. I don't have a clue about half that she does, and I won't until I'm a mother. But that's not the full story. At least... I really hope it isn't. Is this all in my head? Am I just a spoiled brat who is blowing this out of proportion and tearing my mother to pieces in the process?
Christmas is always a question mark. It's either my favorite holiday or the worst. I wonder what it'll be this year.
Long rant... sorry guys.
Aaron and Niki's was great. Incredibly relaxing, and warm. Lol. So much better than my cold house.
But I had to come back. I wasn't even upset about leaving. I was content to go home. But Mom was upset again. This time it was because she always has to cook the meal, set the table, and get everyone's drinks. Then, when the meal is done, she cleans up while everybody runs off to do their individual things, leaving her alone.
She has every right to be upset. We shouldn't have made her do all that on her own. But there are so many times the problem couldn't be solved if she wouldn't wait until she was furious and depressed before she actually spoke up. It's not that she can't speak up. Ed and I would both listen. I'd be glad for a way to avoid the constant fighting. But it's the whole passive agressive approach, and she's very good at it. Wait until the problem is constant, eating away at you, and then bring it up as a guilt trip, with you playing the victim. Make everyone apologize and say how horrible they are. Well, this time I wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to be down. I didn't want to think of myself as a horrible person. So I apologized for not helping, I cleaned up, and then when there was nothing else for me to do, I went back to making Christmas presents. My mother's mood swings or not, I have two days to finish them. She can deal. But I was smiling the whole time... and I was actually happy. Not just pretending. It was such a relief. I didn't even want to vent here, because it was actually okay. Right.
She ended up coming upstairs, red-eyed from crying, to tell me she was sorry I hated being home so much. How she knew she made me miserable. She said she was surprised I came back from Aaron and Niki's. Like I was going to skip Christmas at home. I tried to stay positive, and it only seemed to upset her more. She left. When she came back later she seemed fine.
Aaron told me that, if he had to make me a 2 dimensional character, my problem is that I need to stop caring what other people think. He's right. I care what my mom thinks. And what Ed thinks. I know he sides with mom. To him I'm just a spoiled child who is insensitive and rude to my mother. Some of that's true. I'm a child... of course I can't fully appreciate her. I don't have a clue about half that she does, and I won't until I'm a mother. But that's not the full story. At least... I really hope it isn't. Is this all in my head? Am I just a spoiled brat who is blowing this out of proportion and tearing my mother to pieces in the process?
Christmas is always a question mark. It's either my favorite holiday or the worst. I wonder what it'll be this year.
Long rant... sorry guys.
