What I'm learning...

[kyronae]

I'm cold... mostly outside, but I think some of the numbness has crept beneath the skin. I know I'm really okay. God has me... he won't let me fall... but right now I feel like I'm crumbling inside. All I want... all I really want, is to be able to feel. To wish and dream. To be myself and, in doing so, not worry about the consequences. But I can't. The things I wish to do... the things I feel... they have consequences. So I have to build my walls and my barriers. I have to hide the person that I am and make the mature decision. The responsible decision. And I'll do it. Because I have no choice. But there is a part of me that's crying, because all it wants to do is be a child. I suppose I should know better... if I haven't had time to be a child before I won't have it now. But I wish I did... I wish it was safe to feel. I'm sick of imitation fountains. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of the cold and the darkness. I want the light back. Will someone tell me when I can be warm again?

This isn't official... I suppose I will still try... but the NaNo is stopping. If it was only school work in the way... well, that would be another story. But I don't even have time to face the problems. I have nothing available to give to writing. Stress reliever or not, I'll have to wait for the ability to relax until things calm down a bit. I'll still post when I do write. I just don't know how often that will be.

Comments

[imsupergirl.livejournal.com]

praying for you, my friend, and for whatever situation you are in. :)

That NaNo thing is really interesting, i checked out the site after reading what you posted. If I had more time this semester, I may have attempted it. I would love to be able to finish my star trek novel in a month, seeing as it has taken me oh....about four years and i only have two chapters. Maybe next year when I'm out of school and have a job (crossed fingers). Is it only the month of November that they do it? no other months?

Hope you have a good day today.

~J. S.
(Amanda)

[misterbotangles.livejournal.com]

<3
just
<3
and
prayer

[20thavej-man.livejournal.com]

my prayers go up for you. you know this. I suppose all I have left is prayer for myself, and prayer for others, but Indeed God is powerful in that. His strength is there in my weakness. and in yours. God bless my friend, God bless...
J

[deadmrstyx.livejournal.com]

Jen, i understand every emotion you poured into your words above and can recognize my own steps in the ones you take. you know you have plenty of people praying for you, but also know that if you need somewhere to be a child, if you need a place to just drop all of your burdens and be weak, i am here for you. i and so many others will always love you and accept you and care for you, and we are willing to see you through every trial you may face, big or small. i know this because God is in our friends, and it is only through Him that we could even hope to offer you any of this. we are willing, God makes us able. if you can, let God use your friends to heal you.